Dear Santa,

I have been very pretty good this year. Well, except for the time I got food from the salad bar at Whole Foods and left it in an aisle when I felt how heavy it was and how unexcited I was to eat it, and there was the time I didn’t hold the door at Starbucks for that man with the tray of coffees, and also the time when I almost ran over the neighbor’s dog. I also didn’t mean to yell at the Delta lady, or that caterer, or the girl from my college collecting alumni donations. OK, so last week wasn’t my best, but please remember that I really have pulled myself together compared to years before. And I promise to be really good next year, so would it be alright to just give me some things in advance?

Unlike my girl Mariah, this Christmas I want several things. In addition to the Derma Wand I think you are already getting me due to my constant nagging from an obsession that developed after an all night informercial binge, I also think I need this complementary Face Trainer. Basically I would like you to help me to get rid of wrinkles this year because I have being doing my part by trying to be nicer, mostly to help control my tude line.

I would also like an Upright Sleeper. Although sleeping upright seems like more of an impromptu thing rather than a planned event, I can almost always plan on falling asleep into a devastating chin down fold on an airplane, at any movie ever, and during the majority of drives longer than half an hour.

Next, I would like clip-on bangs. I am not allowed to get bangs, but some times I just really want to cover my forehead.

While you may have to be more creative on this one, I would like a cure to my anxiety. Possibly a line of nontoxic, nonpoisonous household cleaners. Or someone to clean for me. Or something in a pill form.

Lastly, I  would like a puppy named Steve that takes care of himself.

Thanks Santa for considering my list, although I realize my stocking will probably be filled with socks, underwear, Chapstick, a Lifesaver story book, a Starbucks gift card, and Tic Tacs.

Thanks anyways.