Another year, another holiday fat trap. Every year, New Year’s Day veers its ugly, judgmental face and I find myself sitting myself down and giving myself the imminent intervention. As I hold back the tears and try to resist, I have to give in and just like that: it’s back to rehab. I have spent the last two blissful months on a bender, pretending I didn’t care that my clothes were getting tighter and not thinking twice about butter, as I sing, “Don we now our loosest apparel fa fa fa fa fa, at at at at.”  But as I swim into 2013 as a whale, it’s time to face resolutions. It’s time to trade in apple pie for an apple, candy for tic tacs, and sparkling wine for sparkling water (whine).

Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest (DCNYRERS) called out “weight loss” as America’s number one resolution, so I am going to try to be less predictable than Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift performing last night. As my body goes into shock, I am also going to take on some other resolutions to distract me from skinny girl pains:

• Overcome my fear of being poisoned by household products somehow finding their way into my water
• Drink more water (once I overcome prior resolution)
• Learn how to both hold and clean a knife without severing my fingers
• Stop saying or texting the word “ugh”
• Start showering on weekends
• Start wearing something other than sweat pants to the grocery store
• Start going to the grocery store for more than one item at a time
• Stop taking  photos of myself to access my appearance, or at least stop getting caught taking “selfies”
• Stop looking at the wedding photos of people I don’t know on Facebook
• Stop pinning things to secret pin boards on Pinterest
• Stop pinning anything to Pinterest, unless I actually have an intention of using it
• Get rid of the dozen email addresses I have that I don’t use (after I figure out the passwords)
• Stop thinking I will remember strange passwords I come up with
• Stop thinking I will remember strange places I put things for safe keeping
• Write more meaningful blog posts
• Write more pointless blog posts
• Take down the Christmas tree at some point this year

Happy New Year everybody and make the mimosa 2013!