I usually embraced a rare rainy day in Colorado, but  in NYC it’s just another day, another bother. East coasters need umbrellas as much as they need an attitude and they use them as a vehicle to really showcase their discourtesy.

New Yorkers with umbrellas are like porcupines: rodents with a coat of sharp quills. As soon as the first drop hits the sidewalk, umbrellas pop open like tulips on a spring morning. An angry sea of different height umbrellas emerges with waves of wire prongs aiming to poke your eyes out. There is a general lack of umbrella etiquette in this city. Short people should go low and tall people should go high, but no one cares as they charge full speed ahead with their heads down and their umbrellas drawn.

There are three types of city umbrella users: the oblivious, the ruthless and the out of control. There are also three umbrella styles they can choose from. First, there is the hot dog cart umbrella. This model is large enough to keep you, your expensive suit and your ego dry. It will give your bicep a workout and even take out a few unimportant bystanders. Then, there is the assault umbrella. This umbrella had seen its last rain about five showers ago, as the fabric clings onto the strewed and portruding antennas. There’s no predicting this one and any sudden movement from the operator could leave you a victim to a haphazard wire. Lastly, there is the snow globe umbrella. This is the least invasive of the ellas, but I wouldn’t be caught dead in one.

I  prefer the inefficient, yet respectable, “hood and run”.