{"id":3273,"date":"2013-10-14T16:22:06","date_gmt":"2013-10-14T16:22:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bottomless.flywheelsites.com\/?p=3273"},"modified":"2014-10-15T14:56:42","modified_gmt":"2014-10-15T14:56:42","slug":"a-new-lease-on-love","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bottomlessmimosa.com\/?p=3273","title":{"rendered":"A LEASE ON LOVE"},"content":{"rendered":"

This year our three year maybiversary<\/a> fell around the same time as our lease expiration. We decided to renew our lease another year and since we also decided to not terminate our relationship, I started thinking that it may be a good idea for a couple to also renew a lease on their relationship each year. This new lease on love would offer a renewed and revitalized outlook on the relationship, and more importantly, some new terms and conditions.<\/p>\n

RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT EXTENSION<\/strong><\/p>\n

THIS RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT EXTENSION<\/strong> is made and entered into by and between party one (hereinafter referred to as \u201cGIRLFRIEND\u201d) and party two (hereinafter referred to as \u201cBOYFRIEND\u201d).<\/p>\n

PRIOR LEASE:<\/strong> All terms, conditions, provisions, and expectations of said Relationship Agreement remain the same EXCEPT for the following which are hereby incorporated and made a part of the Relationship Agreement:<\/p>\n

1. LIMITED LIABILITY:\u00a0<\/strong><\/strong>GIRLFRIEND makes no warranties or guarantees regarding the security of her mental or emotional state.<\/p>\n

2. ALTERATIONS:<\/strong>\u00a0GIRLFRIEND is not allowed to make any drastic alterations without consulting BOYFRIEND specifically cutting off all of her hair. Alterations also include any DIY home projects that could yield substantial damage at the premise.\u00a0BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND can politely request reasonable alterations and services of the other party (get a haircut, take a shower, put on deodorant). BOYFRIEND will retire shirts of GIRLFRIEND’S choosing and GIRLFRIEND will no longer wear tapered capri pants in public.<\/p>\n

3. NOISE:<\/strong> Both parties agree to not cause excessive noise that disrupts enjoyment of life. Disruptive noises include watching annoying YouTube videos on cell phone, chewing loudly, breathing loudly, and running the dryer during season finales.<\/p>\n

4. REPAIRS:<\/strong> BOYFRIEND is subject to all repairs and maintenance at the premise EXCEPT red wine spills on carpet, bobby pin rust stains, makeup\u00a0mayhem, and hair clogged drains but BOYFRIEND is not allowed to comment on such incidences.<\/p>\n

5. PAYMENT: <\/strong>BOYFRIEND agrees to pay GIRLFRIEND a sufficient amount of compliments. “You look fine” is not a sufficient payment. GIRLFRIEND agrees to pick up the bill OCCASIONALLY.<\/p>\n

6. EXCESSIVE UTILITY USAGE:\u00a0<\/strong>GIRLFRIEND agrees to first resort to socks, blankets, and layers before cranking up the heat every time she has a chill. BOYFRIEND agrees to not open the window when the heat is on.<\/p>\n

7. TV RULES:<\/strong>\u00a0TV usage is to be split evenly between GIRLFRIEND and BOYFRIEND programming. HOWEVER playoffs and Bachelorette season finales take priority over all other scheduled programming. GIRLFRIEND will not for any reason alter the TV set-up or any settings. BOYFRIEND is permitted time to play Grand Theft Auto 5 as long as the GIRLFRIEND agrees that the Relationship is not being negatively effected.<\/p>\n

8. EXTENDED ABSENCES:<\/strong> If either party plans on taking an extended absence from the premise, he\/she agrees to communicate their absence to the other party. If the absentee party comes home intoxicated, it is not the other parties responsibility to like them very much. If there was sufficient communication water, Advil, and minimum judgement the next morning will be provided.<\/p>\n

9. LIMITS ON GUEST STAYS:\u00a0<\/strong>Guests, no matter how loved, can not stay more than ten days consecutively without approval by both parties. Under no\u00a0circumstances should a grown man freeload on the couch AGAIN.<\/p>\n

10. RIGHT OF ENTRY:<\/strong>\u00a0BOYFRIEND will stay out of GIRLFRIEND’S bathroom as long as GIRLFRIEND promises to provide BOYFRIEND with his own supply of Q-Tips. GIRLFRIEND will continue to never, ever enter BOYFRIEND’S bathroom.<\/p>\n

11. PESTS:<\/strong> BOYFRIEND agrees that he will be responsible for all removal, extermination, and clean up of any pest infestation including but not limited to spiders, bugs with a lot of legs, bugs with only a few legs, and unidentifiable pests that GIRLFRIEND is certain she saw. BOYFRIEND is to swiftly and effectively take care of pests without subjecting GIRLFRIEND to any further danger (see: LIMITS OF BEHAVIOR).<\/p>\n

12. LIMITS OF BEHAVIOR:\u00a0<\/strong>Although the behavior is with good intent, GIRLFRIEND agrees to not do BOYFRIEND’S laundry again EVER because she does not take the same care as with her own laundry.\u00a0BOYFRIEND will in no circumstance use Raid or a bug bomb in GIRLFRIEND’S presence. Another bug bomb will serve as a breach in contract and may warrant an immediate termination of Relationship.<\/p>\n

13. GENERAL:\u00a0<\/strong>BOYFRIEND will control toenail clippings in common shared spaces and GIRLFRIEND will control shedding in the kitchen.\u00a0Both parties agree to limit phone activity while at dinner and neither are permitted to\u00a0check either’s personal devices while other party is in the bathroom.\u00a0GIRLFRIEND will do her best to announce herself before entering a room as to not startle BOYFRIEND.<\/p>\n

14. MISCELLANEOUS:\u00a0<\/strong>GIRLFRIEND agrees to not make recipes from Pinterest or anything that contains Greek Yogurt as a substitute.\u00a0BOYFRIEND agrees to try to not stick produce stickers EVERYWHERE. GIRLFRIEND agrees to not destroy the teflon pans, buy duplicate condiments, and refrain from lighting oven mitts and paper towel rolls on fire. BOYFRIEND is aware that he will be evicted from Relationship if he eats GIRLFRIEND’S half of the pizza again while she is sleeping.<\/p>\n

15. REPOSSESSION OF PROPERTY:<\/strong> If either party abandons the Relationship, the remaining party is authorized, at their sole discretion, to dispose of any and all of the \u00a0abandoned personal property, including but not limited to clothing, appliances, furnishings, decorations, fixtures, and equipment. These can be disposed of on Craigslist, the dumpster, or in a public display of anger.<\/p>\n

16. TERMINATION:<\/strong> After expiration of the leasing period, this agreement is automatically renewed from month to month, but may be terminated by either party giving to the other a 90-day written notice of intention to terminate in addition to either sufficient money for therapy, an online dating membership, or the equivalent in booze money. ENGAGEMENT immediately terminates the lease and a rent to buy agreement would need to be established.<\/p>\n

This agreement shall be binding upon and shall inure to the benefit of the Relationship, both parties, and their mental health.<\/p>\n

xoxo please sign on the dotted line.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Sign this lease and I’ll give you the key to my heart.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":5356,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[84],"tags":[301,300,393,299],"class_list":["post-3273","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-love","tag-crazy","tag-lease","tag-love","tag-relationships"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bottomlessmimosa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3273","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bottomlessmimosa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bottomlessmimosa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bottomlessmimosa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bottomlessmimosa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3273"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/bottomlessmimosa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3273\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bottomlessmimosa.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/5356"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bottomlessmimosa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3273"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bottomlessmimosa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3273"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bottomlessmimosa.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3273"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}